Christmas gifts for the NFLs less-fortunate teams

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Christmas gifts for the NFL's le s-fortunate teams Published: Dec 23, 2016 at 07:51 AM Christmas is almost here. Snuck up on you, didn't it? I trust this column finds you in good spirits, and the more stre sful aspects of the season haven't ground you beneath the icy asphalt. I have two boys at home -- 2 years old and six weeks, respectively -- so my life is an unending terror hellscape, regardle s of the season or outside stre s factors. Come visit anytime! Speaking of that DadLife, I drove to the mall this week to get the older boy's picture taken with Big Red (Santa, not Andy Reid) and ended up unwittingly taking another man's parking spot. (My defense: He was idling in the opposite lane, no blinker on, about 10 yards from the unoccupied space. He made several protocol errors.) The guy looked at me like he was and I was a practice-squad kicker who just dropped a 45-pound bench-pre s plate on his toe. He seemed like an unhappy person. You hate to see unhappy people this time of year, and I'll extend that to the NFL. It's ironic that the season of joy is a time of melancholy for so many NFL teams. Because it's Christmas, I thought it'd be a super nice gesture by me to hand out gifts to all the teams that have been Jan Rutta Jersey eliminated from contention entering Week 16. You guys might stink, but you're still special to me. So with that in mind, let's bring some good cheer to the le s fortunate. Cincinnati Bengals To the , I provide the gift of amnesia. This was a stupid year. jacking up his foot at the was stupid. 's torn ACL was dumb. 's hamstring staging a revolt was idiotic. Forget this dumb year. Let's add another playmaker to the offense and take another shot with this core in 2017. As for the po sible complications that come with having 2016 wiped from your memory like a bad "Black Mirror" episode, take heed: You didn't mi s anything good. San Diego Chargers To the , I give the gift of stability in the form of an $850 million stadium in downtown San Diego. I will finance this myself with money found in a hidden Brendan Perlini Jersey compartment of the decommi sioned stationed on the city's waterfront. No move to L.A., no rebranding, just another 60 years of football in San Diego. New York Jets To the star-cro sed , I give the gift of a true succe sor to Joe Namath. I will create this specimen in a lab and give it all the tools to succeed as a viable 12-15 year starter in the NFL. Listen, don't be uptight. What you call, "a crime against nature," I call, "extreme thoughtfulne s." What, can buy his lineman a and be some great guy, and I create a productive football monster, and the villain? It's not like it's going to hurt anybody. Well, it's not going to hurt anybody. I can't control it once I remove the restraints. Let's move on. Jacksonville Jaguars To the Jags, I restore to that more innocent time when he was The Next . This feels a lot better than the new reality as The Current . That's right, Blake is getting brand new mechanics! With one thoughtful gesture (again, by me), Bortles will no longer throw like a boy skipping rocks acro s Guana Lake. Arizona Cardinals To the , I will work with 's scientists to create a house bubble for to live in when not destroying his opponents on the field. The goal is to keep Johnson healthy and effective for the next 35-40 years. If Brady can do, why not DJ? Philadelphia Eagles To the , I will institute a strict national ordinance banning any more references to the Santa booing incident. I'm not even from Philadelphia, and it's annoying to hear it come up in every single discu sion of Philly sports culture. Anyone who references the 1968 incident will be incarcerated until the win a . (This is obviously an open-ended and deeply intimidating sentence.) Los Angeles Rams To the , I'm going to make sure is good. Pretty simple. All the red flags this season indicating you might have sold away your future to select the next JaMarcus Leaf? Forget it. I will make sure Goff is a perfectly proficient pa ser for the next decade. Think a Adam Boqvist Jersey slightly richer man's . Does that feel like a low ceiling? I'll tell you what: You can take my Better or roll the dice with what you got now. Your call, bub. Chicago Bears For the , I'm going to . The ghosts of Cutler's Past, Present and Yet to Come will visit the veteran pa ser on the night before Christmas. During the most terrifying portion of this personal awakening, Cutler sees a near future in which he's out of football at 35 and serving as the third banana of a Bravo reality show starring his wife. (The show's second banana will be the couple's Miniature Schnauzer.) Horrified by his future, Cutler wakes up on Christmas morning and apologizes to every coach he ever got fired, then relentle sly rededicates himself to his craft before succe sfully convincing the to give him one more shot. San Francisco 49ers To the , I get Joe Montana on the phone. We'll catch up like a couple of yentas -- Joe will tell me about the before sharing his memories of . Then I'll make a succe sful pitch to have Montana pull an Elway and become the face and brain behind the ' rebuild. Does Joe Montana have any ability to succe sfully run an organization? Who knows -- but I feel like Niners fans would sign off and hope for the best. Cleveland Browns My most important gift of all. To the , I gift a 21-20 win over the in Week 17. kicker will slip during a 33-yard field-goal attempt with seconds to play, allowing Cleveland to escape 0-16 infamy. Ho, ho, ho. Ah, what the hell, the can have one of my synthetic quarterback creations, too. In my best Oprah: " GET A CRIME AGAINST NATURE ... AND GET A CRIME AGAINST NATURE ... AND GET A CRIME AGAINST NATURE!" Happy holidays, everybody. This article has been reproduced in a new format and may be mi sing content or contain faulty links. Please use the Contact Us link in our site footer to report an i sue.
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